So Many Changes

I'm going to take a stab at Marin's Blog Posting Thing. I know it's the 3rd and I've already missed my first two shots at posting every day, but it's hard to get my thoughts organized, these days. I've had so many things to say, so many things to share, and then...

Let me start from the beginning. Jonathan got a new job, in July. He works all night long on 12 hour shifts making chips for memory sticks. It's hard, but he sees our kids every afternoon, we get to eat dinner together as a family, he gets Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights off so we can do family things, and we're finally self-sufficient. About the same time, I got called to the Young Women. He's been beautifully supportive, especially since he's the designated sick-child-watcher because I teach lessons most weeks and he therefore misses more Church than he'd like. Also in that same week, I got pregnant.

If you know me well enough, you know I have a really weird thing with planning my kids. I want them at a certain time, for certain reasons, and the Lord lets me have that, give or take His tweaking to get it just right. This one was unexpected, though. It moved our plans up an entire year. We scrambled to make adjustments, but things were working out pretty well. For the first time, I had healthy cravings--salad! water!--and even started showing at 7 weeks. I'd managed to get nearly everyone called by the time I had to pull out a couple of my favorite maternity tops.

A few of you more clever readers may have noticed my verb tense in that last paragraph. Four days before my first OB visit I started bleeding. The following week saw an ER visit, three doctor's visits, three blood draws, two ultrasounds, and one good long cry. I never did get that OB appointment. I miscarried at 11 weeks. I was due on Easter Sunday.

This is not a cry for help. It's not a Pity Party, either. The Lord has been exceedingly gracious with us, easing the blow as much as He possibly could. The only reason I'm talking about it is that I feel it needs to be talked about. It's not a dark, shameful secret. It's not something to be locked away and never talked about again. It's part of who I am, now. The next month, I'll be looking to share my thoughts as I come to terms with this new state of being.