Through a friend, I found a link to the tumblr blog Reasoning With Vampires. It's basically devoted to tearing apart the writing in the Twilight series, one sentence at a time. It got me curious, though. Were the books really so horrifyingly awful in situ as they are when you take them point by point. Obviously I needed to actually read one. I refused to spend a single cent of my own money on it, though, and didn't really want it coming up on my library record, either. (I know, "Who cares?" I do.) So I borrowed a copy from another friend, who'd gotten hers second-hand for $1. Even better.
First of all, may I say, it wasn't awful. How can I say that? Because it's not great literature. "So wait," you say. "It's not awful because it's not great literature? How does that make sense?" Well, there are levels of quality in fiction writing. There's literature, there's novels, and then there's romance novels. Romance novels are not known for great character portraits, thrilling plots, or thought-provoking themes. Mostly, they're about how this one guy is hot for that one girl and the two of them eventually become an item. So, as romance novels go, Twilight isn't awful. (For reference, Highlander Christmas--which is about neither a highlander nor the celebration of Christmas--has the most non-sensical premise I've ever heard of, characters that don't seem to have any reasons for anything they do, a lot of continuity issues, a plot that is utterly absurd, and no known grounding in either reality or fantasy. Oh, and a whole lot of false advertising. You were so right to apologize for that gift, Mom, and it wasn't your fault at all.) I do have a couple of major complaints about Twilight, though.
It was dead boring. Sure stuff happened, but I didn't believe any of it for a second. There was no conflict, no tension. By about 50 pages in, the main "danger" in Bella and Edward's relationship seemed to have been handled and tamed. Everything was fine. No matter what Edward said about how it wasn't safe for her to be near him, everything was cool. It was obvious nothing was going to happen.
On the other side, though, there was a lot of danger in the actual relationship. The back of the book has this quote on it: "About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire." Cool. "Second, there was a part of him--and I didn't know how dominant that part might be--that thirsted for my blood." No problem, it's all under control. "And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." Danger, Will Robinson!!! I adamantly object to the fact that the author makes it sound like people have no choice in who they love, and that anything is forgivable and can be shrugged off with a simple "but he's pretty" or a "but I love him." No, no, no! And this is what you're telling impressionable teenage girls is the epitome of perfection in a relationship? No! That is just all kinds of wrong, and even more dangerous to their psyches than the normal romance novel. The others might get her knocked up--this might get her killed. Jonathan highly objects to Edward's G-rated sleep-overs, as well. Real teenaged boys do not have that sort of self-control and should never be allowed to test it like that.
I was kind of glad when the psychotic murderer started stalking her (not Edward, despite the evidence) and something finally happened in this book. I was so done with it.
Unfortunately, the damage was done. And there was a teaser at the end of the book. So I read the other three. They were a lot more interesting, with actual plots and conflict, and everything. I can see why people are Team Jacob (though I was kind of leaning toward Team Van Helsing), and I can absolutely empathize with Bella's emotional pain. That's what happens when someone you love breaks your heart, and it really does hurt that bad. Another quote, if I may, one I read long ago: "Of all the agonies of life, that which is most poignant and harrowing--that which for the time annihilates reason and leaves our whole organization one lacerated, mangled heart--is the conviction that we have been deceived where we placed all the trust of love." (--William Henry Bulwer) I'm kind of proud of her for soldiering on, despite how bad she was at it. (Edward's the one who actually curled up in the fetal position.) Still, I'm not really sure that Bella should have ended up with either one of them. And the whole pregnancy-in-a-month thing started messing with my head, making me think I had all those symptoms, which was not even possible. Wait, that was the fourth book. What was in the third? Ah, yes, the blackmail engagement. That was classy. The rest of the book was surprisingly forgettable, considering it was the most "normal" of the series.
In the end, my overall opinion is "meh." They were readable, but I don't think I'll read them again. For better books, try Alex Flinn's modern fairy tale retellings, or the Artemis Fowl action/adventure series. Even The Sisters Grimm were way better than this.
P.S. I forgot to put in there, the first time, that their relationship was so one-dimentional and completely unbelievable in how neatly it all fell together. It was the coat-hanger the story was draped on, but that's about it. Also, Bella is not the protagonist. I'm honestly not sure who is, but it's not Bella. There is zero character development on that girl. She is immature, self-centered and manipulative right up to the moment her heart quits beating--only because she no longer has anything to manipulate anyone into, really. The scary thing about her is that it's subtle. She's not overt in her jerkishness, it's more like she doesn't realize she's doing it. Except that she does know, and does it anyway. And she thinks she's being sooo grown up and reasonable about it.
That Reminds Me, I Need To Get More Capitaine Crounche!
47 minutes ago